Infiltrating IDOLS

‘Singing pop is not selling out, not doing music is selling out’

So I decided to audition for Idols. Not Pop Idols… that would be the classier, original, money-fueled version. No. I entered Idols SA from the gorgeous and talent-laden mother-city, held at the Cape Town International Convention Centre.

Anyway, it started as an adventure on a whim. Dani heads off at 4 in the morning in a tiny rokkie and my (security-blanket) cowboy boots only to find a place in a queue behind the REALLY keen hundreds that had the idea before me.

Literally four hours later, once all the boredom that waiting around brings subsided and the very oddest of talents emerged, we were let in the big glass (public) doors. Since any hint of pretense had long worn off, the directors shamelessly subjected the (first lot of) thousands to an hour long round of whooping and waving for the ‘judges’ that actually only arrive three days later (unbeknownst to first-timers like myself).

Then from the whooping and cheering in the lobby we were herded like pigs to the slaughter up the escalators… well not quite to the slaughter yet. In fact, we still had a good few hours loafing in a big room on chairs before being numbered and grouped and sent out to meet our first opponent. A little cheesy classic Grease number, ‘Hopelessly devoted to you’ originally by Olivia Newton-John and the enemy was won over with my dazzling inner-diva.
Round 1: DANI-1, Enemy-0
Aaaaand then the reward: Wait around till 5pm to find out that the whole process happens again the next morning. Win.

Day 2 was far more eventful. Ha! 8am start and in a less retarded outfit than before. Still rolling the cowboy boots though… and decidedly UN-daytime makeup! We walked straight in today and got our numbers. Hours passed by like minutes now that you know some people and you’ve kind of built up immunity to waiting around. The energy is hyped. It’s called the director’s cut. Basically there’s a room chockablock with everyone you’ve caught a glimpse of in an Idols shirt. They sit there in a row or two and you stand on a mark and perform. I launched into a powerful rendition of Celine Dion’s ‘I’m your lady.’ Thankfully they either have bad taste in music or were looking for nutjobs or both so that was right up my alley! However, they are apparently anti-pants (a movement I fully endorse in my spare time) and told me to glam-up a bit for tomorrow. Yes, they totally let it slip! Haha. Oh well. If it’s glitter they want it is glitter they’ll get!!

The rest of my friends got axed. One from every ten would pass o the television recorded actual audition! First prize? A trip back to the CTICC, glammed up like a hooker, oh I mean Pop-star, at 7am!


Monday. 7am. Dressed in a sequined mini-dress with tarty heels especially bought for the occasion, I slow motion model-walked my entrance, hair-blowing and everything just like you’ll see on TV! (I kid. They totally edit that stuff hahaha but If it looks awesome then I swear I’m just a morning person.)
After some modeling and pimping in front of my fellow fine 50 and some decent jams and REALLY embarrassing footage collection, I got to the front of the telly-line. Eek. I waltzed into the room, mellow on herbal remedies and planted my killer heels firmly on the floor.

“I rocked so hard they all quit their jobs to join my
fanclub” - Flat Out Lie

Sadly, I stood there and sang them a pretty song. Randal admitted it was pretty so there! He also noted that I didn’t “feel the song.” It was a no. Danny K said he’d be stupid if he said I couldn’t sing… he’d be right. It was a yes.
Unathi is definitely my biggest fan. She told me to forget IDOLS and hit the Grammy’s baby. So that’s the second yes!! I only needed one more to go to Jo’burg. Gareth. I’m pretty sure he’s dyslexic or something and mixed up ‘Hell-yes-she’s-my-hero-baby’ with ‘no’.

So it was that my 3-day pop career ended before the Golden Ticket. Beaten by a brilliant but bald bassist and a bisexual who as far as I know, isn’t even a musician!! I did score slutty heels through the deal though. Oh, and an offer to do a porno.

The most metal gift of all; Disappointment.

Kirstenbosch Summer Sunset Concerts 23 January 2011

It took me a while to get to writing this review simply because I was trying to avoid it.

Being the awsome fan such as I am, it was a hard knock for me watching the Kirstenbosch concert on Jan 23rd. Dan Patlansky, Farrel Purkis & Inge Beckman.

After much hype (and deserved hype because these muso's own) the late afternoon gig took the form of 3 songs by each accomplished musician and then a massive collaborative jam! It promised to be a stunning entertainer! I was especiallylookig forward to Ms Beckman's solo material. Antici... ...pation!

However, much like celibacy vows of Hank Moody, it was a promise unkept. FML. I was sorely disappointed by the whole thing. No sooner had the door swung shut on Lark's tight backside than the former frontwoman's creme de la crem performance turned sour like week old yoghurt thats been lying in the sun!

The contorted faces of the disturbed crowd were more distracting than her creepy robes and screechy temple-calls. 3 songs were 3 too many. Sadly, very sadly. We all know she's capable of awesome shit. Dan the man's grizzly voice and ballzy guitar playing put the rock back in the gig and got the show rolling again. YAY!

A horrific jam. Shame, nobody sounds great after Dan's rocked out his deep throated sexiness so Inge stuck to her bizarre personal style (credit for that) but it unfortunately failed. Epicly.

They should robably have realised though.

As for Mr Purkis... ...he's decent but it wasn't anything to write home about.

They are all such phenominal musicians I was hoping for so much more.

Rock’nRoll is my Religion

‘When your idol’s rich and your guru’s smooth-talking’-Julie Burchill &Tony Parsons

Rock’nRoll as a religion is like Catholicism. Crowds gather to hear the messages punted through their icons and idols! They take your money with songs of praise as they get fat on your financial contributions, attendance and participation but most of all they draw strength and power from the belief in their supreme authority.

Hell, the way I see it that isn’t a bad thing. In fact I think its pretty awesome. Rock’nRoll’s a religion you want to be a part of. Like all religious organizations, the Rock religion offers its followers a sense of belonging and family.

We have our rules, ways to dress and not dress or speak and not speak. There’s the heirachy; the wags, the groupies, the girlfriends, the bands themselves -Rock Royalty you could say. And of coarse there are the gods! Dio, Iggy, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Bon Jovi, Janis Joplin, The Sex Pistols… -each and all have their wisdom to share and guidance to bestow.
Masses and masses of crowds gather in support of their esteemed leaders and await their pearls on how to live! Some would even die for their gods (or flash their tits in giant arenas).

There are territories claimed and wars waged on behalf of musical preference and elitist snobbery; people’s faces get smashed up for liking pop, you get evicted from clubs and venues for not fitting their image, there are venues reserved for certain types of music (and crews) and regular acts, timeslots allocated according to the profile of the band or who gets to play main stage at festivals. Many of the best bands are the underground ones with their cult-like followings and occasionally the breakout wave of popularity making the band fashionable like that wave of kabala-cool that totally stripped the religion of any integrity it once possessed.

The laws on our tablets are simple:
Sex.
Drugs.
And Rock’nRoll.

Money hadn’t quite made the list originally but if there were to be a Rock’nRoll New Testament it sure as hell would be in there!!

But back in the day there was another contender for fourth commandment; under the guise of “revolution”, Rock’nRoll was a tool for enlightenment. Everyone was doing the hippie thing. The Beatles embraced those weird Indian fretless sounds ala Ravi Shankar and Bob Dylan was whining country hymns. Mostly the bands (likes of Jefferson Airplane and Jimi Hendrix for example) devoted themselves to acid and LSD with religious zeal.
Everyone and anyone had been to a far off temple and returned with alternate tokens of their trip. Rock went on a journey of discovery from raw offensive honesty (the spirit of Rock’nRoll) to contemplative awareness and protest songs. It wasn’t as if backing the hippie ideals was a hardcore rebellious thing to do. The whole concept of revolutionizing the world was just as trendy and hip as going to Katmandu (that was “just like Butlins” according to Ringo Starr).

(Right is the Maharishi with the

fab four in 1968)

It was kind of an embarrassing time in Rock’nRoll history when the rich and the famous were running around their hotel rooms in imported leather jesus-sandals preaching the salvation of hallucinogens.

I have nothing against the enlightenment or the drugs. I do have a problem with the shoes. Bad style is just offensive. You wouldn’t catch Skid Row in a pair of strappy sandals.

Indoctrinating the Youth is very Rock'nRoll!

GUITAR WARS TOURNAMENT 2010

*Young and Pro Talent showcased at Guitar Wars Competition!*


Guitar Wars,the annual guitar competition for junior school learners with prizes sponsored by Marshall Music, is the brainchild of well-loved local rocker Jono Dose. The event was once again warmly hosted by Grove Primary School but this time budding musos rocked their hearts out at night. Official Guitar Wars t-shirts were on sale with designs by the talented Ian Jepson.

The winner of this year’s event, Daniel Newton (Rondebosch Boys Prep), went home with a beautiful Les Paul and free set-up by judge Gareth Travis of Marshall Music. He was joined on the judging panel by classical whizz-kid, Mark Rontsch and Charles Knighton-Pullin, the acclaimed lead guitarist of SABRETOOTH and Almost Famous Band.

The kids rocked harder than the previous year and came with their game faces on. They showcased their rhythm playing, promising shred solos, improvisation work and even some singing. They were also faced with an onslaught of ridiculous questions and some tough criticism.

After an array of challenging covers, well-known hits and own compositions, the final results came down to the age old classic debate of feel and energy versus technical ability. After a photo shoot and the awards presentation it was on with the show and time for the pros demonstration.

The audience was thrilled with a jam by Jono Dose (guitar), Stu Jepson (drums) and SABRETOOTH’s Ryan Swanich (bass).

The evening came to an end with a stellar surprise. Canadian singer/songwriter and pro blues (wo)man guitarist Natasha Meister joined them on the stage and wowed the crowd with her rendition of Valerie and a jam of her own material.

All in all a fantastic and well orchestrated event. Here’s hoping for more musical indoctrination of the youth in the future. Rock on!

SYNERGY LIVE 26-28Nov 2010, Boschendal Wine Estate

*Great Weekend, Great Vibe, Great Style and Great Apes!*

Synergy was a mind-blowing weekend of festival fun. Three days of three stages with very different bands allowed for some great exposure to fantstic new things that our local scene is pumping out as well as some international flavour, the main stage featuring the likes of Feeder and Prime circle on saturday night.

Sweltering sun beat down apon the festival-goers on friday as they bravely and sweatily made the great trek from car to campsite. A productive day of river-related relaxation was topped off in style by some befoklike boere bands; Die Heuwels Fantasties, Foto na Dans, Van Coke Kartel, Taxi Violnce who’s rock’nroll got dancers going mental and finally the mysterious but musical club-sound legends Jax Panik entertained with crazy lights, frenzied beats and illegal dance-moves. A definite win.

Meanwhile the Electro-dome boomed and squeaked its way through the nights and days pumping pulsing tunes till the early hours of the morning. Boasting massive crowds at any given hour and equally massive names like Tommygun, Killer Robot & Goldfish, the electro-dome sucked passers by into their thumping UV laser-lit party faster and easier than Courtney Love.

A surprisingly grey Saturday made for perfect gig weather for those of us rocking out on the dance floors! The main stage thrilled crowds with the haunting tunes of The Sleepers, the bobbing beats of The Rudimentals and some porkrock courtesy of HOG HOGGIDY HOG. But the clear highlight of Synergy fest was incontestably the LMG stage.

(Spur Burgers came a close second)

Nineteen year old guitarist and singer-songwriter Natasha Meister (Canada) rocked the LMG tent with soulful Stevie-ray-vaughan feel in the early afternoon.

The travelling circus must have passed by the Boschendal area, providing SYNERGY with mad funfair rides and a few carnies that got left behind: JINX and some curious misfits got the LMG tent going nuts to their theatrical electronic operatic carnival tunes. After much spinning and skipping the fine gents from Helderview offered a few good tunes and a while later the guys from We Set Sail produced an enjoyable set. Before long the space was invaded by a mass of bandana-clad, band-shirted metal warriors. SABRETOOTH got the masses moshing, guitarists gobsmacked and sexy girls pulling sultry stunts! They shredded their way through an epic set to a roaring crowd wanting more! “Metaaaaaaal!”

Fox Comet kept the crowds happy and bouncing after that. Birthday-boy Kyle Grey beat us a little drum solo while their proudly-ginger vocalist Rob Coutts promoted the ginger flashmob. (Yes. It’s just like Cartman says, they are uniting.) Altogether an impressive late afternoon! Such was the vibe that many festival-goers forgot all about the main stage action.

Strength to strength, in true local style LMG kept pumping out the talent. Ree-burth’s front man jumped, threw, thrust and whipped his way through their set with bloodcurdling screams from Soweto. (Handy little gimmick that.)

Then it was over to The Great Apes for some authentic Rock’nRoll! Raw and powerful. They have it nailed. Hard-rocking rhythm, whining solos, roaring vocals and thrashing drums. They are the violent hardcore attitude of rock’nroll! The epic Saturday lineup ended with crowds flailing drunkenly to the rockabilly ego trip ala The Mochines. Perfection!

After that it’s all downhill. Once the main stage and the LMG tent were closed, the electro bubble happily pounded on into the new day and thankfully so did a bar or two. Sunday brought with it some rain, then some sunshine, some headaches and the close of a most successful music festival. Happy (and hungover) campers headed homeward for a recovery time to put their bodies and minds back together.

Dan Patlansky at the Cape Farmhouse Restaurant,Red Hill

***
Afternoon Feel-Trip
***

One overcast Saturday afternoon, in a land far far away from the rest of civilization, crowds huddled together on patches of grass (sometimes in the rain) to get a glimpse at the musical magician that is Dan Patlansky.

Technical brilliance outshone only by his intense feel, Dan takes you on a journey from gentle pauses to rip-roaring solos with mind-bending speed, skill and style playing most of his sets with songs from the aptly titled album, Move my Soul.

Not a single note out of place. He opens his mouth and further awes the audience with his mature-beyond-his-years voice and humble attitude.

A life-changing revelation for first-timers and for those that have been privileged enough to catch him before (like most of the rain-enduring, dedicated fans), he still manages to blow you away every time.

Natasha Meister at The Red Herring, Noordhoek

***
Not Just a Pretty Face
***

The darling of blues feel, Natasha Meister (Canada) rocked out at the Red Herring on a lazy Sunday evening. Noordehoek locals were charmed by the young lady’s unassuming nature and taken a back by her skills.

Chilled and friendly, she rocked out some hardcore Stevie-ray style, jamming with local hot guitarist Jono Dose. She is definitely not just a token chick with a guitar! This girl can really play. And she sings too. A neat little performance package.

The general pub buzz was quickly converted into cinematic silence while the awed audience were sucked in by the rocking licks and tangible chemistry.

The low-key vibe sported International-standard entertainment. A pleasant surprise!