We came, we saw, we came again

On turning of the ripe old age of 24 (only 3 years until Rock’nRoll age of death strikes) I fondly recounted the tales of drunken debauchery and, worse still, sober debauchery in the life of Cape Town’s underbelly. My recollection of the last decade led me along a hilarious path of memories only to discover that, Observatory (Yes, the grimy black spot on the southern suburbs’ shiny white knickers) is the answer to our never-ending story.

“Turn around, look at what you see, in her face, the mirror of your dreams…” – Title theme of The Neverending Story by Limahl and Kajagoogoo.

My first Obz fest.  No shoes. No i.d.’s (not legal ones for about 4 years anyway) No boundaries. Back in those days Obz fest was an underground-scene thing. It didn’t have the crappy shit. It was literally a blocked-off road filled with all the bizarre and ballsy brawlers and creatives that the rest of society spat out. We had thick layers of black junk on our feet with bits of glass in but the dirt was so deep whole chunks of glass didn’t even get through to our skin! It was vuil and we loved it. The rudies played and we skanked around in a little mess of metal spikes and patchwork tartan, home-made badges and cute shit that little kids do before they get money.

An entire decade later we are still patrolling those streets for cheap drinks, old records and good style (And suspect gatsbys). There’s a very fine line between nostalgic familiarity and stagnation. But fuck, If you’re going to stagnate it may as well be with a cold beer and a punk.

God may forgive your sins, but your nervous system won't.

LMG 50^th Issue Party at Mercury Live, CT Zonnebloem

LMG the Live Music Guide to all things epic celebrated the release of their 50^th free music magazine (yes, entirely free) on Friday night in Cape Town. Mercury has never been so riddled with musicians, photographers, reviewers, and fans. The awesome event showcased only the crème de la crème of Cape Town’s scene.

Taxi violence opened the event around 21:30 and impressed the hoards with their acoustic set featuring some friends from other local bands, We Set Sail and The Sleepers. Then it was over to the baby-dolls of Rockabilly, Peachy Keen followed by the kings of 80s attitude SABRETOOTH and finally Taxi Violence’s more energetic stuff with a glitter-clad axel-grinder man. (True story.)

Taxi Violence’s acoustic set was pleasantly pumped and got the people moving, Skinheads and Hippies alike (fascinating, I know). I couldn’t see anybody standing still while Peachy Keen took to the stage. They’re a duel fronted hillbilly rock poppy blues jumble band with very sexy vocal harmonies by tattooed fifties pin-up dames Dominic Otto and Alex Wise. I am ashamed to admit it was the first time I’ve seen them play and I am officially a devoted fan. They absolutely put the roll back in Rock’nRoll which I do applaud but I was far more interested in the hard rock part of the evening that only metalheads could bring.

The changeovers were so seamless that I only noticed SABRETOOTH had set-up because they hauled their signature fans (as in electric hair-blowing machinery not fleshy miscreants) on stage. They blasted the room with 80s inspired progressive hard-rock. The technically brilliant masters of their craft shredded their way through a powerful and ballsy set straight to the heart of the chaos. Stage diving fans hurled their bodies off stage into a writhing pit of muscles, leopard-skin, headbands and hair. The band was tighter than their leather pants and the only things beating faster than their drummers pedals were their man-crushes’ pulsing hearts.

Gyppo-pirate-hooker-rockers, punks, drunks and afro-funks hit the floor in a big way to party in honor of LMG’s contribution to the Music industry. The bizarre combination of patrons is a testament to the diverse appeal of the music magazine. Shout out to Mike ‘LMG’ Smith and his crew: “Hail!”

Bands like Enmity, A Walk with the Wicked, Heathens, AB Turbo, Fox Comet and The Sleepers rocked-out in the crowd showing their support.
What a sterling night! The foot of the stage was packed with sweaty happy people bumping about from the very first band until the DJ booth put forward some good old one-hit-wonders and some classic 70s/80s tunes till 3ish… everything after that gets a little messy.

Quality drink specials all night may or may not have been a contributing factor to the anorexia of my wallet! And the contrasting growth of my belly!

After a killer international standard event like this I am proud to be a supporter of local music. If you love music and you love Cape Town here are some gems to litter your conscience: Buy local Merch, Don’t bitch about paying entrance, take taxi’s home and will somebody please knit those bouncers some gloves!!!

Epic flashback to the 90s

Hog Hoggidy Hog and The Rudimentals

The self-proclaimed kings of pork-rock, Hog Hoggidy Hog, got together with Cape-Tonian bred ska band, The Rudimentals to fill Mercury Live with sweat, screams and skanking. The much anticipated event kicked off to a full house with their more hardcore friends, The Summer Underground.

The Summer Underground’s performance can be remembered for one or two winning elements; one deliciously 80s intro, they committed to their energy and were fronted with zeal and they performed another number in a style reminiscent of Motorhead (which is always a good thing to hear). However, this was not the wind-milling crowd, time or place. Not yet anyway. The crowd that later proved to be phenomenally exuberant were unswayed by the performance and clearly had one thing on their minds; Skanking.

The Rudimentals brought their brass ensemble on stage with brass balls. The eight-piece ska/reggae/afro-beat band piled on stage to teach the people life lessons. Politics, social-comment, stereotypes and of coarse, how to dance! Building up and chilling out they led the bobbing, skanking, dancing, singing, hopping, jumping, bumping crowd on the journey through the Rudies set. Teboho Bobo Maidza rocked the mic and got literally everyone hollering back and forth. The rest of his crew joined him with harmonies, and unapologetically fun, African dance moves all while playing their instruments. They’ve got mad skills! They teased the audience with tiny selections of jumpable madness interspersed with their mellow groove sound. The audience, now packed like sardines from the foot of the stage right to the doors, was gagging for a release of this pent-up energy. Knowing that the Hogs were on the way only multiplied the tension.

In true Hog Hoggidy Hog style, the pork-rockers blew the roof off Mercury. Not a single intro was complete before the masses went absolutely mental. From their very first lines to the very last word, the audience sang, screamed and skanked to their tunes… more than the band!

Stage divers took their life into their hands diving (and more frequently drunkenly falling) into the middle of an epic typhoon of thrashing, flailing, falling, maiming, skanking, moshing limbs. Everyone, from the rebel kid that looks like he’s ten to the girls that look like Brenda Star, ladies and gents that haven’t done this in a decade and grey-haireds holding fort for the rockers of ages past, were united in a diabolical tangle of liveliness and sweat.

Beers were spilled, hair was tangled, clothes were ripped and make-up smudged. Heels, nails and ankles were broken. Dignity and faces (and sexy ladies) were busted. All in all, exactly what you’d expect from the Hogs!

What a send-off for Hog Hoggidy Hog who are about to take-on the world on their biggest tour yet.

Interlude

So I’ve been neglecting my sexxxi blog what with all my awesome reviewing for VOICE OF ROCK (http://www.voiceofrock.com) and Entertain-SA. (http://www.entertain-sa.co.za/)

-Shameless Pimp.

But true to form, I’ve still been up to my tricks. This month’s hilarious revelation of Idols SA season 7 on m-net and on the idols channel 199 on DSTV as well as the release of Playboy’s launch party pics in their latest magazine have cemented three glorious truths:

1) I was photographed in Playboy magazine

2) I was on t.v.

3) I did both in little more than hairspray and sequins hahahahaha

Seriously though, the CT Music scene’s been exploding with quality events of late! What a promising start to winter! How better to hide from the cold than with a liquid blanket and a good band.

The most epic string of mid-week and weekend events include the notable HOGS and RUDIES (back to the nineties) revival gig at Mercury Live followed by this Friday’s YOUR LMG 50^th issue party featuring the legendary SABRETOOTH, Peachy Keen and Taxi Violence. In between were massive parties filling up the Purple Turtle with bands like Fox Comet and Zula put on a couple of classy events in Long Street.

Meanwhile back in the home-front of Observatory, the likes of ROAR and Gandalf’s kept the ball rolling with a continuous onslaught of quality metal and cheap booze.

Official reviews of these and other live events by dani diamond can be found at:

12^th Avenue Album Lauch: www.voiceofrock.com

Chromium (JHB) Tour to CT: www.voiceofrock.com

Playboy Launch Party (CT) : www.entertain-sa.co.za

MacGyver Knife: www.entertain-sa.co.za

"Look mom, im in Playboy Magazine!"

Bunnies at Play in The Fez

The Official Playboy South Africa Launch Party (CT)

On Saturday 7 May 2011 trendy young Cape Tonians put the wag in swagger at The Fez Club to celebrate the arrival of Heff’s infamous billion-dollar empire, Playboy, on South African shores.

Much like the brand, the Playboy event boasted everything sexy and stylish with an extra little kick of flirty fun!

At 8pm, in Fez fashion, the red carpet rolled on out along the roadside that was on this exclusive occasion lined with gorgeous hunks of metal. Flaunting luxury and limited editions, the sexy cars included Austins, Jags and a personal favourite, the Mustang. Waiting in line has never been so exciting and tormenting at the same time. It’s one of those times when you want to grab your phone and take a picture but you choose to keep your cool instead – unfortunately this moment lasted longer than most while I stood in the freezing cold wearing the skimpiest, flashiest dress I own.

Thankfully, once in doors, the star-treatment and miniscule outfits remind oneself that this is Playboy. Pimping all things deliciously deranged, the event was a mix of beauty and the bizarre.

Local Play Bunnies tempt and tease their guests, pimping and preening in photographs. Still, the curvaceous bunny-girls were only one of the attractions. 16 entertainment acts including a line-up of top DJs rocked the booth, keeping the party pumping well into the next morning. There was also a Goat-man creeping around in long, furry hooves entertaining the audience, while burlesque dancers twisted and twirled through the crowds in strings of pearls and fushia-pink feathers… and very little else.

Apparently all the other girls got the ‘scantily clad’ memo as well. Cape-Town’s trendy party-girls undressed to impress along with chic budding celebs. The dance-floor ran rife with rumours of Stormers and Crusaders. High-class heroines took to the stage including trendy cover-girl, Tracy McGregor, Amy Tara Bridger, Tshego Seakgoe, Rhian Sugden & Landi Swanepoel. It was definitely the place to be seen.

A promising beginning for the brand in our country with a brilliantly successful launch in bag! Already available are Playboy SA magazines showing our local talent and national and globally related articles. If this event is an indication of excitement to come we can expect a whole lot more from Playboy; energy drinks, clothing lines, excessive and exclusive parties and of coarse what Playboy does best - entertainment!

Check out my featured review of the event on Entertain SA’s website: http://www.entertain-sa.co.za

MacGyver Knife’s Sewing Legend launch with She Man Lion.

I set out on Wednesday evening with fellow hipster and trendy photographer Gavin Collins (http://prettytrendy.tumblr.com) in tow, to catch two energetic dance-driving bands on stage at Zula Bar in Long Street (CT). It was the much anticipated launch of MacGyver Knife’s new album, Sewing Legend.

Supporting act, She Man Lion rocked up and rocked out. Two words: Superior Synth! Their 80s inspired dance beats could only be likened to a modern, male-fronted Yazoo with double the synth and double the style. Impressive hyper-speed drumming kept things upbeat and happening in a real techno-party fashion right through their set. Psycho-dancing enriched with disco lighting and solid tempo merged to form an electric hurricane on-stage.

For some strange reason, the audience did not dare brace that stage leaving an invisible barrier of a meter and a half between the bouncing crowds and the raving rockers. They must have been so blown away by that ferocious energy unleashed by the magnificent, polished entertainers, She Man Lion.

Next, with the smoke machines puffing and some clever video clips rolling, it was the headlining act MacGyver Knife’s turn to take to the stage. Playing tunes from their new album, Sewing Legend, the men of MacGyver Knife launched into a set of out-and-out indie rock’nroll. Their home crowd was definitely there to support and danced along ‘whooping’ with shameless bias. Not unjustly though.

Most of their stuff sounds like Brit indie bands like ‘The Feeling’ so I found their material rather easy to predict but also easy to listen to, dance to and dig!

Their set was like mainlining feel-good
energy straight through your temples to your brain!

Their home crew were singing along to tracks like ‘Dark side of the sun’ and wiggling their hips while the dudes on stage had an absolute jam! Their passion and playfulness was infectious. I found myself literally giggling out loud to some of their songs. What a front man! They appeased their followers with an encore of ‘Jaguar’ to end the night.

If MacGyver Knife tap into the right crowd, they could be unstoppable. MacGyver Knife and She Man Lion are definitely two bands to watch out for with plenty more to offer.

Find the OFFICIAL review on www.entertain-sa.co.za by yours truly, Dani Diamond.

Photographs by Gavin Collins of Pretty Trendy

All phenominal photographic representations of the night and other spectacular showings of his skills on http://prettytrendy@tumblr.com

Running away with Circ du Soleil!

‘Ladies and Gentlemen I present: The Exciting! The magnificent! The Marvelous! Incredible, Thrilling, Out-of-this-world experience that is THE CIRCUS! ’

The awesome internationally acclaimed Circ du Soleil swung into Cape Town’s entertainment scene with an almighty ‘whoosh’ of magical mayhem. My pursuit of leisure led me to Grand West’s main arena for the spectacular spectacle that is Circ du Soleil! Sold out nearly immediately, they consented to add another five full days of performances to the Cape Town leg of the circus’ South-African tour and even then the packed arena was near capacity! Yipee!

The cast of mischievous circus folk includes clowns, acrobats, contortionists, strong-men, mimes and many more performing gravity-defying feats of unnatural proportions accompanied by phenomenal musical performances by a cast of live musicians and even Opera singers. All tied together with a candy-striped ribbon of comedic genius, the show was a boisterous manifestation of all things astonishingly bizarre.

The mime was laugh-out-loud funny with his interactive skits! The script was far beyond peculiar twisting the mundane into the extraordinary, making truth and impossibility as jumbled-up as the contortionists! We saw men and women held horizontally on a thin pole high in the air and ladies spinning and spiraling through the air and landing on spindle-thin swings. There were drummers and dancers, bicycles and bosses that all the other whatever-they-ares hailed. We saw giant hats and acrobats and a big-bellied blue guy with a tail.

Even if carnivals and creatures are not your thing, one simply can not deny the sheer wonder of the circus or hold a great measure of respect for the patience and perseverance it takes to perform such acts with the grace and technique to make it look so easy! It is born of preposterous miracles and ridiculous marvels, a juxtaposition of sensational sensations, the audacity to shock and amaze as only circus folk can! Circ du Soleil truly is the height of breathtaking entertainment!

All sneaky pictures are the property of Gabrielle Van Hinsbergen of Gabrielle.vH.Photography

RAMFEST 2011

CAPE TOWN: Nekkies Holiday Resort, Worcester: 4 – 6 March

One South Africa’s Ultimate Rock Festivals.

“The healthy being craves an occasional wildness, a jolt from
normality, a sharpening of the edge of appetite, his own little festival of
Saturnalia, a brief excursion from his way of life.”
Robert Maclver quotes

A weekend of REAL ALTERNATE MUSIC! The CT leg of Ramfest V was a monster winner!

Pre-sale people kicked off the killer weekend on Thursday already surrounded by masses of tents, foodstalls, plenty booze, band merch and the lush river-side views and drunk people!

It was the valhalla of festivals from a logistics point of view! One can't emphasise the excellent organisation enough! For the entire weekend there were clean toilet-paper filled bathrooms with hot and cold water showers. Woop! Woop! Personal favourite: Hydration station! -And the sprinklers at all the bars (where you hardly had to wait to get a drink!)

The stages were ready to roll on Friday afternoon after some refreshing in the river or pool.

The fifth year of RAMfest boasted 3 stages and a bigger dance floor than before. Much talked about were the two international bands: Alkaline Trio (USA) and Funeral for a Friend (UK). Also local legendary acts like Die Antwoord, Van Coke Kartel and Zebra and Giraffe play in all the cities.

Cape Town got the very best Ramfest line-up, made complete by absolutely killer local bands! On the Main Stage Mr Cat and the Jackal and their giant head replicas rocked the party with a carnie folk take on rock. The Great Apes sexily smashed and crashed their way around the mainstage in true rock'nroll style and notably brilliant performances by Not My Dog, Zebra and Giraffe, Isochronous and The Sleepers cemented the idea that local bands this year absolutely thrashed the imported acts. Alkaline Trio was by far the most disappointing act of the festival. There was quite a lot of hype about the two international acts and neither of them blew me away. I did enjoy the Funeral for a Friend set more purely because of their ego and energy. Clearly they were digging themselves. (Perhaps a bit more than the crowd who hardly moved (though there was a fair bit of hand-raising near the beginning of their set). Still, they were decent. A very pleasant surprise was how tight Van Coke Kartel were! They really had a great show and the crowds knew it! Die Aantwoord carried on in their own very special way thrilling fans and offending critics like they fokken-terrets-se-poes always do.

The Alternate Stage was contrastingly buzzing with energy. Metal minded musos like Mind Assault, Symphonic Schizophrenia, Juggernaught, Enmity (who threw in a most phenominal cover), and A Walk with the Wicked had the metal tent rocking like a hurricane, windmilling and moshing. Tartan-clad wild-hearts Haggis & Bong had their bagpipes and balls to the wall making some interesting noise. And then there was Sabretooth. One of the clear highlights of the festival. Lightning-fast guitars, drums and keys. Vocalist Mauri Moncada on top form rocked Van Halen's 'JUMP! 'and (after a roaring call for more) a Steel Panther cover! The band had the crowd going mental!

“'Rock' [music]. . . is the expression of elemental passions, and at rock festivals it assumes a cultic character, a form of worship, in fact, in opposition to
Christian worship. People are, so to speak, released from themselves by the
experience of being part of a crowd and by the emotional shock of rhythm, noise, and special lighting effects. However, in the ecstasy of having all their
defenses torn down, the participants sink, as it were, beneath the elemental
force of the universe.”
Pope Benedict XVI quotes (German Pope(2005), baptized Joseph Alois Ratzinger (b.1927))

The Pope clearly hasn't heard of the electro stage. When all the hype and hysteria of the main stage and alternate stage came to an end the Electronic stage kept the dance beats and epillepsie lights pumping right through the wee hours of the morn with winners like Toby2Shoes, Ill Tastic, El Gordo, Haezer, TOM DELUXX (FRA), and more. It was a vibrant space pulling crowds of fucked people towards the lights.

An epic festival! Well organised, well attended, well worth it!
Metaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!

Rock’nRolling in the doh!

‘The laws on our tablets are simple: Sex.Drugs. And Rock’nRoll.
Money hadn’t quite made it there originally but if there were to be a Rock’nRoll New Testament it sure as hell would be in there!!”
-Dani Diamond

Rock’nRoll has those vital idols. The monster that came to suck all the free love and love of music out of Rock is not drugs or alcohol or rave even. Its money. (Monymony! Monymony!) The simple hunger for money and being rich has well overshadowed the desire to rock and to roll. When kids think Rock’nRoll they’re thinking superstardom, mansions, big cars, golf courses, limos. Come on! There’s nothing Rock’nRoll about golf or a limousine! They’ve pretty much turned Rock’nRoll into the Kardashians.

Where’s the ‘we crashed in apartment blocks full of crack-whores and scabby-faced writers’ Ala Anthony Keidis? or ‘we shared one bed and didn’t eat because we couldn’t afford anything except our drugs and guitar strings’ Ala The Rolling Stones?

Still, the pivotal role of cash can’t be denied. Even Iggy Pop is drving jags and playing golf. Rock’nRoll is not just a genre of music anymore, It is an industry. It’s a business pimping brands, pimping merch, selling you a lifestyle, ideals and music. (Just threw that in there right at the end in case you forgot its about the bands and their music).

With the copying and downloading laws as loose as a pornstar’s vagina, musicians embraced the downloading trend. Billions of killer tracks are ‘illegally’ clogging up our PCs and being enjoyed by fans. The sharing factor has its highs though because through networks and easy distribution of illegal (and some legal) tracks, many more people are exposed to tunes by bands they haven’t heard before. Potentially this could be a great thing for bands all over the world.

With all the production, engineering, manufacturing, cropping, styling, designing and pimping involved in the grand money-making ploy that is Rock’nRoll, we are advanced enough to turn even shocking vocals into radio-play. We can all think of hundreds of examples… I’m tying to think of the one that is least likely to get me sued. I’ll get by with a little cash from my friends. Oh here's a winner: Joe from that reality show 'the real housewves of the Orange County' bought herself a recording contract:

The Arts Industry in South Africa is quite neglected. It is much harder to write protest songs with a knife in your hand on a train than a pen in a limousine ala U2.
It is also much harder to write what you want as opposed to what people want to hear if you just need to make some money.

Cape Town is brimming with talent and culture but sadly not quite as much money. It is rife with opportunity. The small market for specific tastes and genres like metal and rock are hugely eclipsed by our highly praised trance scene for example. Yes, with our aids rate one might assume that the average joe was totally in to sex, drugs and Rock’nRoll, but no, in fact the average joe is digging Kwaito. Even pop people have banded together in the form of Idols SA to try and get all the local celebs to unite in support of one effort. The whole idea being that there would be more buck$ behind the brand.

Limited funds and resources in music is like a pizza with too little cheese. When its all piled into one place there will be dry, crusty bits with very little going on in other places! The alternative is a bit of an unappealing tasteless pizza with only a tiny bit of cheese on each slice and no one slice of thriving music industry. There are limited places for bands to play and limited funds to pay them. Quality musicians are driven overseas on a quest for money. Not to make starry-eyed millions (though I’m sure that would be epic) but even just to make enough to live with music as their job.

Infiltrating IDOLS

‘Singing pop is not selling out, not doing music is selling out’

So I decided to audition for Idols. Not Pop Idols… that would be the classier, original, money-fueled version. No. I entered Idols SA from the gorgeous and talent-laden mother-city, held at the Cape Town International Convention Centre.

Anyway, it started as an adventure on a whim. Dani heads off at 4 in the morning in a tiny rokkie and my (security-blanket) cowboy boots only to find a place in a queue behind the REALLY keen hundreds that had the idea before me.

Literally four hours later, once all the boredom that waiting around brings subsided and the very oddest of talents emerged, we were let in the big glass (public) doors. Since any hint of pretense had long worn off, the directors shamelessly subjected the (first lot of) thousands to an hour long round of whooping and waving for the ‘judges’ that actually only arrive three days later (unbeknownst to first-timers like myself).

Then from the whooping and cheering in the lobby we were herded like pigs to the slaughter up the escalators… well not quite to the slaughter yet. In fact, we still had a good few hours loafing in a big room on chairs before being numbered and grouped and sent out to meet our first opponent. A little cheesy classic Grease number, ‘Hopelessly devoted to you’ originally by Olivia Newton-John and the enemy was won over with my dazzling inner-diva.
Round 1: DANI-1, Enemy-0
Aaaaand then the reward: Wait around till 5pm to find out that the whole process happens again the next morning. Win.

Day 2 was far more eventful. Ha! 8am start and in a less retarded outfit than before. Still rolling the cowboy boots though… and decidedly UN-daytime makeup! We walked straight in today and got our numbers. Hours passed by like minutes now that you know some people and you’ve kind of built up immunity to waiting around. The energy is hyped. It’s called the director’s cut. Basically there’s a room chockablock with everyone you’ve caught a glimpse of in an Idols shirt. They sit there in a row or two and you stand on a mark and perform. I launched into a powerful rendition of Celine Dion’s ‘I’m your lady.’ Thankfully they either have bad taste in music or were looking for nutjobs or both so that was right up my alley! However, they are apparently anti-pants (a movement I fully endorse in my spare time) and told me to glam-up a bit for tomorrow. Yes, they totally let it slip! Haha. Oh well. If it’s glitter they want it is glitter they’ll get!!

The rest of my friends got axed. One from every ten would pass o the television recorded actual audition! First prize? A trip back to the CTICC, glammed up like a hooker, oh I mean Pop-star, at 7am!


Monday. 7am. Dressed in a sequined mini-dress with tarty heels especially bought for the occasion, I slow motion model-walked my entrance, hair-blowing and everything just like you’ll see on TV! (I kid. They totally edit that stuff hahaha but If it looks awesome then I swear I’m just a morning person.)
After some modeling and pimping in front of my fellow fine 50 and some decent jams and REALLY embarrassing footage collection, I got to the front of the telly-line. Eek. I waltzed into the room, mellow on herbal remedies and planted my killer heels firmly on the floor.

“I rocked so hard they all quit their jobs to join my
fanclub” - Flat Out Lie

Sadly, I stood there and sang them a pretty song. Randal admitted it was pretty so there! He also noted that I didn’t “feel the song.” It was a no. Danny K said he’d be stupid if he said I couldn’t sing… he’d be right. It was a yes.
Unathi is definitely my biggest fan. She told me to forget IDOLS and hit the Grammy’s baby. So that’s the second yes!! I only needed one more to go to Jo’burg. Gareth. I’m pretty sure he’s dyslexic or something and mixed up ‘Hell-yes-she’s-my-hero-baby’ with ‘no’.

So it was that my 3-day pop career ended before the Golden Ticket. Beaten by a brilliant but bald bassist and a bisexual who as far as I know, isn’t even a musician!! I did score slutty heels through the deal though. Oh, and an offer to do a porno.

The most metal gift of all; Disappointment.

Kirstenbosch Summer Sunset Concerts 23 January 2011

It took me a while to get to writing this review simply because I was trying to avoid it.

Being the awsome fan such as I am, it was a hard knock for me watching the Kirstenbosch concert on Jan 23rd. Dan Patlansky, Farrel Purkis & Inge Beckman.

After much hype (and deserved hype because these muso's own) the late afternoon gig took the form of 3 songs by each accomplished musician and then a massive collaborative jam! It promised to be a stunning entertainer! I was especiallylookig forward to Ms Beckman's solo material. Antici... ...pation!

However, much like celibacy vows of Hank Moody, it was a promise unkept. FML. I was sorely disappointed by the whole thing. No sooner had the door swung shut on Lark's tight backside than the former frontwoman's creme de la crem performance turned sour like week old yoghurt thats been lying in the sun!

The contorted faces of the disturbed crowd were more distracting than her creepy robes and screechy temple-calls. 3 songs were 3 too many. Sadly, very sadly. We all know she's capable of awesome shit. Dan the man's grizzly voice and ballzy guitar playing put the rock back in the gig and got the show rolling again. YAY!

A horrific jam. Shame, nobody sounds great after Dan's rocked out his deep throated sexiness so Inge stuck to her bizarre personal style (credit for that) but it unfortunately failed. Epicly.

They should robably have realised though.

As for Mr Purkis... ...he's decent but it wasn't anything to write home about.

They are all such phenominal musicians I was hoping for so much more.